written by – William Douglas – aka Will.I.AM Du’ glasaka winealleybilly.
A Parody, (or: a Farce?)
Cast: An(n)y S’porter(or is it Any?), The wife.
McCashually, The Man? of the house.
Wi Pally, The eldest of the weans.
Della M’biast, McCashually’s “bestie”.
Big Mandy and Wee Janes Sleezdoll, McCashually’s bits on the side.
Act 1, Scene 1,……Wages day at “Casa Ridhoose”
McC(for short) – Am hame! Where’s ma dinner? (in a cockney accent)
An(n)y – Whit dae ye mean, dinner? D’ye think food grows oan trees? You gie me cash, McCashually, ya bam, an a’ll gie ye dinner! These weans huvnae hud any dinner fur weeks an their shoes are needin replaced. Even a’ their pals are pointin’ at them in the street! You huvnae handed in any housekeepin’ for ages an a’m sick of it. Ma last man was mair generous than you, ya mean lump o’misery.
An’ by the way, you never talk tae me an’ the weans anymair. An’ see this hoos! Don’t start me!
McC – Look, shut it, ye know ah like tae keep ma’sel tae ma’sel. Noo here’s 75p, why don’t you and Wi Pally an the weans get back oot tae work
That’s aw yer good fur!If youse don’t bring in mair cash, a’m gonnae huv tae sack mair o the staff, ‘cos a’m no made eh money, ye know!
An(n)y – Whit are ye on aboot, look at that bulgin wallet, there must be three billion or somethin’ in there! Gie’s the f#####g money if ye want me tae run this hoose right…it’s a 2-way street, ye know.
Me an the weans are quite happy tae go oot an’ work if you play fair an stop hoggin every penny WE earn then dish it oot tae yer mates and yer bits oan the side. An’ don’t think we don’t know about that!
Wi Pally – Aye, dae whit ma ma says, ya quiet man….Mammy! That big lumps threatenin’ me, he’s tellin’ me tae shut it! See you, ya big pie-eatin lump, ah’m gonnae leave here in twelve months if ye don’t dae whit any decent man wid dae an’ support yer wummin and us weans…
McC( not Mc Coist, mind) – see you wee man, ah’m gonnae get ma bestie, Della ‘Mbiast tae sort you. You’re gaun naewhere tae ah say so. Noo, get oot o’ ma face, ah’ve goat a big meetin tae prepare fur and you better no say anythin’ tae embarrass me oan Monday. As fur you, An(n)y, the best thing you can dae is don’t turn up at ma AGM, or ma bestie and ma very close friends, Big Mandy an Wee Janes Sleezdale will absolutely rubber ye and might even report ye tae the polis!
An(n)y – Polis noo, eh? Know whit, f##kface, it’s time yoooo wur gonnnn. Ah’m gonnae get real money behind me an ship ye oot!Ye’ve done nuthin for me an the weans an ye’ve neglected this big hoos ma Ma ‘n ma Da struggled a’ their days tae build.
Ah’ll be seein you, ya bam, in ACT 2 and, by the way you’re gettin; nominated in the appropriate circles fur knockin a’ the weans claes an’ sellin them. Be seein you.
You can follow William Douglas on Twitter @williamdouglas5